by Satan
24. November 2010 11:41
Well, it's happened again. You've blasted through another year and suddenly it's Thanksgiving again. We do a big Thanksgiving down here. It's a good holiday for a diverse crowd, since it's secular and you don't really need to explain much, even to people who have never heard of it. Have a big feast, open a few bottles of wine. Everybody "gets it". And holidays that center around cooking are big in Hell, since heat is easy to come by in a lake of fire that burns hotter than the hottest earthly flame.
I'm hosting this year like I always do. It used to be a real treat for everyone to come to my place, since I lived in the most exclusive neighborhood in all of Hell. Guests would make jokes like "What's the cover charge going to be?" But while my neighborhood was nice when I moved in, it's pretty shitty now. One of the hazards of eternity, I guess, unless you want to move every hundred years. Now the place is really run down and all the businesses have left. I knew we'd hit the skids when I drove by a Souplantation with my neighbor Ron and he said, without irony, "It would be really cool if we could get one of those". It's come to that. Now people make jokes like "Yeah, we'll be there, just let me get my flak jacket out of the attic".
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But hey, you want a free meal, you play by my rules. I did one of those online neighborhood crime searches and it wasn't even that bad anyway. My real concern this year, like every year, is the food. I always want to outdo last year, so I try to stay up on food trends. Which reminds me, when did Brussels sprouts become everyone's favorite vegetable? From the middle ages till a scant 5 years ago they were the butt of jokes! If a guest brought them I'd mention it during the toast and say "You're in Hell, what did you expect?!" and it brought the house down. Shit, I used to end on that joke. Then I said it last year and it was completely obvious that people were just laughing politely. So I googled "brussels sprouts" and got a bunch of articles talking about "stepping out of cabbage's shadow" and "The Now Vegetable". One even had a recipe that featured brussels sprouts and cauliflower. It was "guaranteed to make you the hit of the party". You go to Trader Joe's and they have them on display like it's something to brag about. I feel like I stepped through the fucking looking glass. Maybe I'll try to get ahead of the wave and serve lima beans.
Time for me to go. I have to get home and crack the whip on Vlad the Impaler. He's supposed to be making cranberry sauce right now, but I'll bet you a hundred bucks he's screwing around with his fantasy football line-up instead. I'd put someone else on sauce duty, but he's too valuable. Say what you will about his human rights record, but I'm serving a huge crowd tomorrow, and the guy can zest oranges like he's on speed.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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